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Thread: The Jokes & Funny Thread ... |
    
Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12608
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Saturday, December 15, 2007 - 01:28 pm: |
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i used to have 1 of these a while ago so let me start it back - u guys feel free to post stuff too BUT PLEASE KEEP IT CLEAN ! ...
here goes :
The Bathtub Test
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director,
"A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?......
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Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 11669
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Saturday, December 15, 2007 - 02:06 pm: |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12611
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Sunday, December 16, 2007 - 10:28 pm: |
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These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law."
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"
At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"
Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts."
In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their contractor."
A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"
A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing road."
On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.'
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead'
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!'
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.
Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot"
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own.
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center".........
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Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 11743
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Sunday, December 16, 2007 - 10:40 pm: |
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LOLOLOL. Where do you get these? |
Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12613
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Sunday, December 16, 2007 - 11:12 pm: |
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c'mon man - dont tell me ur pictures stack is running short
funny pix r allowed too ya know ! .....
was saving some for tomorrow but here's more 4 ya
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."
..... |
Gold Member Username: Basssquared
Kansas
Post Number: 1686
Registered: Nov-06
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| Posted on Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 03:04 am: |
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how bout this one if your posting dumb jokes in the off topic section then your name is Rovin lmfao hahahah |
New member Username: Jervs
Post Number: 8
Registered: Dec-07
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| Posted on Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 06:52 am: |
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Keep it coming...I like the sign jokes tho it wasn't really a joke. |
Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 11840
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 09:19 pm: |
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I rear-ended a car this morning.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of
the car . . . and
you know how you just get sooo stressed and life seems to get funny?
Well, I could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"... and
THAT'S when the fight started . . .
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Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 11841
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 09:21 pm: |
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Merry Christmas everyone.
http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12620
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:20 pm: |
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.... |
Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12621
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:21 pm: |
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.... |
Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12622
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:30 pm: |
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 ... |
Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 11893
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:51 pm: |
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Gold Member Username: Carguy
Post Number: 6874
Registered: Nov-04
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| Posted on Thursday, December 20, 2007 - 11:54 pm: |
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This is classic. I loved this one.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?" |
Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12633
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Monday, December 24, 2007 - 12:17 pm: |
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Some holidays stuff :
Signs You've Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
Christmas Elf
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
===================================
Twenty ways to confuse Santa Claus
Christmas Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa.  "
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
========================
A parent's night before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
Christmas Santa
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!... |
Silver Member Username: Mrskullz1
Brooklyn, New York
Post Number: 781
Registered: Feb-07
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| Posted on Tuesday, December 25, 2007 - 02:48 am: |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12666
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Monday, December 31, 2007 - 09:27 pm: |
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Attainable New Year's Resolutions
This year, I resolve to...
- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
- Stop exercising. Waste of time.
- Read less. Makes you think.
- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
- Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
- Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
- Not have eight children at once.
- Get in a whole NEW rut!
- Start being superstitious.
- Personal goal: bring back disco.
- Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
- Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
- Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
- Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
- Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
- Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
- Not eat cloned meat.
- Create loose ends.
- Get more toys.
- Get further in debt.
- Not believe politicians.
- Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
- Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
- Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
- Stay off the International Space Station.
- Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
- Associate with even worse business clients.
- Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
- Wait around for opportunity.
- Focus on the faults of others.
- Mope about my faults.
- Never make New Year's resolutions again..... |
Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 12128
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Monday, December 31, 2007 - 10:15 pm: |
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Amen. |
Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 12244
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Monday, January 07, 2008 - 06:43 pm: |
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Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:
Hungry and HÖrny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ..Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile
when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.
" Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Äss Tomorrow".
Have a great year. |
Gold Member Username: •cam•
BC
Canada
Post Number: 1561
Registered: Nov-06
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| Posted on Monday, January 07, 2008 - 07:35 pm: |
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Nice, Paul. Good idea, bringing this back.
I have nothing funny to say, besides: go check out some Mitch Hedberg. He's a f.ckin' comic genius. |
Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12713
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Tuesday, January 08, 2008 - 11:34 am: |
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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
===================================
A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"
All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."
After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
===========================
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression, he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And finally, he cried, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'." ..... |
Platinum Member Username: Lklives
Post Number: 13899
Registered: Jan-06
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| Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2008 - 09:26 am: |
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Big Brother?..
http://aclu.org/pizza/images/screen.swf |
Platinum Member Username: Lklives
Post Number: 13900
Registered: Jan-06
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| Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2008 - 09:27 am: |
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Old Lady
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please .
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies |
Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 12354
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2008 - 10:41 am: |
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Platinum Member Username: Project6
Post Number: 14292
Registered: Dec-03
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| Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2008 - 05:47 pm: |
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aw, that is funny! |
Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12770
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Saturday, January 12, 2008 - 10:02 pm: |
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good 1 LK !
here's more
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
======================
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
===============
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the @ss." ....
.... |
Silver Member Username: Steph_raven
Cartier is my boy toy!...,
U wanna play...
Canada
Post Number: 302
Registered: May-06
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| Posted on Sunday, January 13, 2008 - 04:32 pm: |
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A WOMAN WHO READS
>
> One morning her husband returns after several hours of fishing and
> decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
> decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,
>anchors, and begins to read her book.
>
> Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
>woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>
> "Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't that obvious?).
>
>"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
>
>"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
>
> "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
>at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>
> "If you do that, I"ll have to charge you with sexu al assault," says
>the woman.
>
> "But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
>
> "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
>could start at any moment."
>
> "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
>
> MORAL OF THIS STORY:
>
> Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think
PS. nice to see u around LK...cheers! |
Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 12470
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008 - 06:08 pm: |
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Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada .'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'
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Gold Member Username: Adddisorder
Palm Beach,
Florida
Post Number: 5785
Registered: Jan-06
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| Posted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008 - 06:48 pm: |
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good ones guys and girl |
Platinum Member Username: Project6
Post Number: 14343
Registered: Dec-03
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| Posted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008 - 08:07 pm: |
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Platinum Member Username: Rovin
4 10 Pioneer...
Post Number: 12817
Registered: Jul-05
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| Posted on Wednesday, January 16, 2008 - 11:25 pm: |
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The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were
forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man
behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing,
I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check
in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat."then you must have some job,
because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
==========================
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would
spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,
he was told that the only way he could play today was if he
was willing to play along with three nuns.
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole
he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first.
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language
around us." said the nun.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty
yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them.
"Well sheit, Goddamn, hell, f@ck!" exclaims the nun.
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a f@ckin' tree."
=========================
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the cr0tch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the
doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week
and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your
pen!s in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little
4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive
work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry
and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse
to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw
them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these
breasts."
He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted d!ck and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!" ...... |
Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 12529
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 08:38 pm: |
|
 |
Platinum Member Username: Project6
Post Number: 14360
Registered: Dec-03
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| Posted on Friday, January 18, 2008 - 09:08 pm: |
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^^^That's priceless! |
Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 12634
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Tuesday, January 22, 2008 - 06:27 pm: |
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Why Parents Drink
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that
his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw
an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling
hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with
mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Karon and she
is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all
her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that
she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad
she's pregnant.
Karon said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in th e
woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a
dream of having many more children. Karon has opened my eyes to the
fact that mar1juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it
for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby
for coca1ne and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science
will find a cure for AIDS so Karon can get better.
She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels ... Helllooo .. bottles won't fit in printer!
March
Got really excited ... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months .. box said "2-4 years!"
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid ... wrong instructions ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!
June
Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition ... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm ... car was swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is "C"... isn't it?
October
Hate M & M's .. they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!
December
Couldn't call 911 ... "duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!
THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)
"My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL.'"
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Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 12689
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Thursday, January 24, 2008 - 06:56 pm: |
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It's a tad long but worth it!
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. ''' Since there is more''' than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
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Gold Member Username: •cam•
BC
Canada
Post Number: 1750
Registered: Nov-06
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| Posted on Thursday, January 24, 2008 - 10:49 pm: |
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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That was awesome, Paul. Thank you.
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Platinum Member Username: Wingmanalive
A pic is worth
1000 posts!!
Post Number: 12716
Registered: Jun-06
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| Posted on Thursday, January 24, 2008 - 11:02 pm: |
| | |
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