Old Dogs and their jokes!

Gold Member

Username: Nuck

Parkhill, Ontario
Canada

Post Number: 1183
Registered: Dec-04

Posted on Wednesday, February 08, 2006 - 11:21 pm:

Before George Burns passed away, he was on the Oprah show. After the taping, Oprah quietly asked George if the rumour was true about him being the best lover in Hollywood. George, ever gregarious, simply smiled a sly grin at Oprah.

The woman invited George to her dressing room for an 'in-depth' interview.
30 minutes later, Oprah was winded, hair tousled and in wide eyed astonishment. Oh George, you are fabulous! she gushed. Oh George, can you do it again?

George replied, mt dear, I am in my nineties, you know, I need a rest, 10 minutes or so. But as I rest, will you keep both hands on my George jr.?
Oprah did so, and George dozed for 10 minutes, only to awake and roust the woman furiously for another half hour.
Oprah was in awe! Absolutely quivering from joyous abandon, her body continuing to shake.

Oh George, you beautiful man, could you do it one more time?
George figgured he could, but needed 20 minutes to recover, and would, if Oprah kept both hands on George jr. the whole time.
This Oprah did.

Upon awakening, George gave it his all. A goodly while later, Oprah was a quivering mass of jelly, unable to stand and straining to even speak.
After regaining her breath, she thanked George profusely and agreed that he must be the finest lover in the entire world, forget Hollywood!

She had to ask about holding George while he slept. Did this keep him aroused?

No, said George, when he slept with Anna Nicole Smith. he woke up to find his wallet missing.

Silver Member

Username: Sem

New York
USA

Post Number: 547
Registered: Mar-04

Posted on Saturday, February 11, 2006 - 10:38 pm:

An old couple decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

"I can remember that. He says, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it. Leave me alone. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake." Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?

Silver Member

Username: Sem

New York
USA

Post Number: 548
Registered: Mar-04

Posted on Friday, February 17, 2006 - 07:43 pm:

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and e njoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax"
him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 270
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Friday, February 17, 2006 - 11:19 pm:

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 304
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Friday, February 24, 2006 - 04:53 pm:

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." !

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,

"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

Gold Member

Username: John_a

London
U.K.

Post Number: 3945
Registered: Dec-03

Posted on Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 08:49 am:

Great, MR. :-)

Silver Member

Username: Sem

New York
USA

Post Number: 556
Registered: Mar-04

Posted on Saturday, February 25, 2006 - 10:17 am:

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pi$$.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

BathTheorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Gold Member

Username: John_a

London
U.K.

Post Number: 3952
Registered: Dec-03

Posted on Sunday, February 26, 2006 - 03:40 pm:

Thanks, Sem. Cool.

JimKW

Silver Member

Username: Jimkw

Columbus, Ohio
USA

Post Number: 116
Registered: Jun-05

Posted on Wednesday, March 01, 2006 - 01:36 pm:

A couple has been married for 17 years and was having some problems, so they went for counseling. The counselor told them he wants to hear their problems starting from as far back as they could remember the problems starting. Well the woman said she would go first, and she started telling about problems from 15 years ago and just kept going on and on and on. The counselor gets up from behind the desk pulls her up out of her seat and proceeds to give her a very long passionate kiss and she sits down and does not say another word. He looks at the husband and said she needs that three times a week, can you do that? The husband says "Well I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but I go fishing on Friday".

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 324
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Friday, March 03, 2006 - 02:11 am:

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting

"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

Silver Member

Username: Sem

New York
USA

Post Number: 558
Registered: Mar-04

Posted on Monday, March 06, 2006 - 09:07 am:

An elderly man in Northern Mississippi had owned a large farm for
several years. He had a large pond in the back fixed up nice: picnic
tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Gold Member

Username: John_a

London
U.K.

Post Number: 3974
Registered: Dec-03

Posted on Thursday, March 09, 2006 - 01:20 pm:

Still from My Rantz's TV news clip about a commemorative Spitfire flight. I could not stop laughing.

Gold Member

Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 7796
Registered: May-04

Posted on Thursday, March 09, 2006 - 02:51 pm:

Looks like the Spitfire is feeling somewhat like an Old Dog.

Gold Member

Username: John_a

London
U.K.

Post Number: 3986
Registered: Dec-03

Posted on Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 03:14 pm:

Tchsk. In what way?

While you're here, Jan, an Italian friend sent me this link:-

http://www.infonegocio.com/xeron/bruno/italy.html

Gold Member

Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 7849
Registered: May-04

Posted on Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 04:59 pm:

Terrific, John. I'll pass it on to some friends who visit Italy on a regular basis.

Gold Member

Username: John_a

London
U.K.

Post Number: 3990
Registered: Dec-03

Posted on Saturday, March 11, 2006 - 07:19 pm:

Glad you liked, it, Jan.

All;- You don't have to be Italian. Or European, for that matter.

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 358
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 06:06 pm:

A novel advertisement:

Upload

Silver Member

Username: Sem

New York
USA

Post Number: 562
Registered: Mar-04

Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 07:38 pm:

Excellent Rantz.

Silver Member

Username: Sem

New York
USA

Post Number: 563
Registered: Mar-04

Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 07:41 pm:

Telephone rings......

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too."

***long pause***

***more pause****

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"

Silver Member

Username: Sem

New York
USA

Post Number: 564
Registered: Mar-04

Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 07:44 pm:

The new American Marine Captain was assigned to an Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ...m-m-m....urges. That's why we have the camel sir."

The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay. "

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?

"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 359
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Monday, March 13, 2006 - 08:04 pm:

LOL Sem!

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 398
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Monday, March 20, 2006 - 04:54 pm:

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror she grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, she gives up her
frail grasp and attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck
against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... the Pick 'n Pay security guard sees her, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 426
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 06:47 pm:

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you,"! says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, you're Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope."

Gold Member

Username: Nuck

Parkhill, Ontario
Canada

Post Number: 1785
Registered: Dec-04

Posted on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 09:00 pm:

LOL, MR!

Paul Folbrecht

Silver Member

Username: Paulfolbrecht

Post Number: 145
Registered: Dec-05

Posted on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 10:02 pm:

Last time I heard this one, John Paul II was the driver (bless his soul). I think it works even better with Benedict. :-}

Gold Member

Username: Nuck

Parkhill, Ontario
Canada

Post Number: 1795
Registered: Dec-04

Posted on Friday, March 24, 2006 - 10:37 pm:

A Newfie gets a job in Toronto, and drives off to his new future.
When he gets there, his new boss tells him he's 3 days late.

'what happened to you?' his new boss shouts.

'Well, the Shell sign said'clean bathrooms from here to Toronto' so I did'.

I saw a sign that said'Drink Canada Dry' and i tried.

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 466
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 11:56 pm:

Look what Larry went and done:

Upload

He killed the Bananas in Pyjamas!

That would be Cyclone Larry of course. And don't worry kiddies, it's like Santa. It's not real.

Larry R

Gold Member

Username: Larry_r

Naples, FL

Post Number: 1240
Registered: Oct-04

Posted on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 09:47 am:

Rantz: unh-huh. . .

Anyway - there was this woman whose husband suddenly died, and whose friends gathered around her for all of the ceremonies involved in the funeral.

When the funeral and the receptions were over, one of her friends came to her and asked: "Sadie, I hate to get personal, but how much did Marvin leave you?"

"Thirty thousand dollars," was the woman's reply.

"Well," said her friend, "you must have spent most of it on the funeral and that very nice party afterwards."

"Yes," Sadie told her friend, "in fact, there's nothing left at all."

The friend gasped. "What!?! Well, where did the money go?"

Sadie thought a moment, then replied: "well, the funeral, party and all the refreshments cost me $8,000.

"OK," her friend said, but that still leaves $22,000. Where did that all go?"

"Oh, I almost forgot - the memorial stone. that cost $22,000."

Sadie's friend was dumbfounded. "Twenty-two thousand dollars for a memorial stone? How big was it, anyway?"

Sadie just smiled. "Three and a half carats," she said.

- - - - - - -

Silver Member

Username: My_rantz

Australia

Post Number: 575
Registered: Nov-05

Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 04:15 pm:

"WHO'S ON FIRST"

Upload

George : Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George : Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .

George : That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George : That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George : I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George : The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George : The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George : Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George : Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George : That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George : Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George : Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George : Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George : No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George : No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George : No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George : Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George : Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George : Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George : And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George : All right! With cream and two sugars.

Gold Member

Username: Nuck

Post Number: 2645
Registered: Dec-04

Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 04:38 pm:

I wish I were either Abbott or Costello.

So a barkeep is wiping down the hardwood and see a snail on his bar.
The snail looks up and says "How about a Glenmorangie?"
The bartender winds up and flicks the snail clean offa the bartop.

About 10 months later the barkeep is wiping down the worksurface and sees, to his odd rememberance, a snail.
The snail says'what the heck was that for"?

Gold Member

Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 8496
Registered: May-04

Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 06:11 pm:

Ten months is a long time to wait for Glenmorangie.

Gold Member

Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 8497
Registered: May-04

Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 07:57 pm:

I picked up a copy of Bennet Cerf's "Laugh a Day" for fifty cents at the library's used book sale. It is, "A brand new treasury of over 100 humorous stories, annecdotes, puns and verse by the nation's number one raconteur ... " Quite a deal for fifty cents!

(You should award yourself extra credit if you know who Bennet Cerf was and double the extra points if you can remember when you felt rich with fifty cents in your pocket.)

Bennet Cerf had a gentle humor that could be told on 1960's television.

"There's a freshman at Dartmouth this year who bids fair to make his mark as a social commentator. His first paper for a philosophy section contained this summary: 'Socrates was a famous Greek who went around giving people excellent advice. They poisoned him.'"

Quotations:

From Arnold Glasgow: "A good leader takes a little more than his share of the blame and a little less than his share of the credit."

From Somerset Maugham: "Only a mediocre person is always at their best."

From W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try a couple more times. Then quit. There's no sense in making a fool of yourself."

"Two idiots had their first look at water skiing. Asked one, 'Why's the boat go so fast?' Answered the other, 'The lunatic on the string keeps chasing it.'"

From the introduction to the book, "I don't think Americans are laughing enough these days. We're worrying too much about our 'image' and whether other people love us enough. The strongest country in the world needs respect from others more than love. And it needs the saving grace - and courage - to be able to laugh at itself. The country that can no longer chuckle sometimes at its own foibles is in trouble. We've become too thin skinned - and, yes, too pompous."

The copyright is 1965.

Gold Member

Username: Nuck

Post Number: 2648
Registered: Dec-04

Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 08:07 pm:

Thanks for that, Jan, indeed.
Y'all really gotta lighten up a bit!

A tip o' the glass to all the old dogs(tis a holiday here)!

Gold Member

Username: John_a

London
U.K.

Post Number: 4196
Registered: Dec-03

Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 06:15 pm:

Reads like "Laughter is the best medicine" from "Reader's Digest". From a gentler age.

Gold Member

Username: Jan_b_vigne

Dallas, TX

Post Number: 8516
Registered: May-04

Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 09:34 pm:

I would say, a gentler time depending on the color of your skin, the accent in your voice or the part of town you live in. But, this is a humor thread and there is no place for those comments here, so consider them unsaid.

Gold Member

Username: John_a

London
U.K.

Post Number: 4198
Registered: Dec-03

Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 03:52 am:

Unsaid or not, I agree. There were also surreal features called things like "I am Fred's pancreas". My mother would buy RD for train journeys. Also copies would be lying around doctors' and dentists waiting rooms. I have not seen it recently. I suppose it's still out there, somewhere.

Gold Member

Username: Nuck

Post Number: 2708
Registered: Dec-04

Posted on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 08:02 am:

Just seeing 'I am Fred's Pancreas' makes it fit in the humour thread.
I am Lou's Lymph nodes?

Gold Member

Username: Nuck

Post Number: 2711
Registered: Dec-04

Posted on Saturday, May 27, 2006 - 09:43 am:

So a string wanders into a bar and shinnies up a stool. The barkeep asks his order and the string asks for a Guiness. The barkeep arrives and is about to set down the foamy glass, but pulls back.
'Hey' he says 'you ain't a string are ya?'
The string says 'sure, I'm a string'.
The bartender scowls and says 'we don't serve your kind in here', and points to a sign on the wall that reads 'NO STRINGS ALLOWED"!
You'd best get out of here, intones the burly bartender.

The string leaves the bar, dejected, and heads off. He runs into a string buddy not too far along, and they have time to kill.

The string buddy suggests they go for a drink.
'Well we can't go into that place, they don't serve strings' says the string.
'WHAT?' The string buddy is appaled!

Yeah I tried, but the gorilla behind the bar chased me out.

Hmm, the string buddy was working on it.

'I'll tell you what, wrap yourself around my feet, and stay there. As the string did so, his buddy tousled up his hair into a great mess, and wiggled into the bar, and up a stool.

The barkeep came over and asks the order.
'2 Guiness' says a muffled voice from below.
The barkeep comes back and is about to deliver the drinks, but pulls back.
'Hey' says the gorilla(the guys no slouch), 'your'e not one of them strings are ya?'

The string says...

you know it's coming...

'frayed knot'.